(Guess where we are! No, really. Guess. Please? I have a gun. I don't think you need me to finish that thought. That's right! MegaOmniCorp Mall! See, we both win!)
(At the prison entrance, which is on the first floor, leading down to the mall's minimum security prison. This entrance is about to be destroyed.)
(See? A few minutes later, out comes Punt and undertow)
Punt: Alright, how did you survive that? I died during the concussion wave, then the actual blast, and then by the falling debris.
undertow (Shaking some water off his fur): Hid in the toilet.
Punt: The toilet?...Almost makes the whole thing worth it.
undertow: Oh shut up. Hmmmm...what to do now...
Kids: Mommy looky! It's Peter Rabbit! Can I touch him? Can I?
Mall Cop: It's Peter Rabbit! HALT! You are wanted for 100 counts of kidnapping, assault, and battery! Now take off the costume so we can cuff you.
Cop 2: Hmmmm...I thought he'd be bigger. Ah well.
Punt: Great, more prisons.
Paranoid Zombie: Fight...Man...Roswell...conspiracy...
Cops: Ahhh! It's them! They're protecting their master! (Shoots the zombies)
(As the vangaurd zombies deal with the cops, the rear is brought up by a horde of other reprogrammed zombies, Paranoid CWALer and Peter Rabbit, who are currently riding on top of "Peter Rabbit's Neural Reprogramming Center", which has sprouted wheels, thanks to a raid on a Sears Auto Shop booth)
Paranoid CWALer: Go forth minions! Fight the Man! Fight the Illuminati! Fight the shadowy masters of oppression!
Peter Rabbit: Aw, hold up man, I got a case of the munchies. Hmmmm...(Peter opens a hatch in the roof and climbs inside of the Reprogramming Center. The zombies cease their rampage)
Peter (From inside): Hmmmm...lessee. Bitchin'! There's a whole case of Pop-Tarts in the fridge! Hey you want some?
Paranoid: Ummm..no. Do you have Mountain Dew?
Peter: Naww. I got...I got some chips...ummm...what's this? Hmmm...ah hell with it. I got some spam...whoa...are those tootsie rolls? How old is this pizza.... (Climbs out with some crumbs spilling from under the rabbit costume) Aw yeah, that's the stuff. (Notices the zombies standing still) Oh yeah, like, rampage and stuff.
PZ: RAAAAA! (Rampages)
Paranoid: We must attack the head of the conspiracy! Quickly! To the CORPORATE OFFICES! (The conspiracy parade marches off, dragging cops, wayward shoppers, and merchandise from various stores along with it)
undertow: Hmmm...so that's the Peter Rabbit bastard who's cause me trouble.
Punt: Oo! I wanna be a paranoid zombie! Think how cool it is to blame vague, non-existant shadow organisations for all my troubles!
undertow: Quite you! (Eats Punt) He has stained my reputation. There can only be one course of action!
Punt (Respawning): Owie. Umm, like what?
undertow: Peter Rabbit must DIE! MUHAHAHAHAHAH! (Lightning strikes, thunder booms, ominous organ music plays, a thousand demons laugh and a thousand angels weep, the earth SHAKES! THE MOUNTAINS CRU-->
Punt: HEY! It wasn't THAT ominous. Jeez, get a grip.
Author: Shut up you! (Eats Punt)
undertow: HEY! (Elsewhere on the first floor, Orcfodder and Paradox stand before a child's play area)
Orcfodder: Hmph. Back in Azeroth, we taught our offspring useful things. Like sword play, and self-defense. Not this (Mocking voice) "Oh look at me! I have a balloon! Everybody chase me because I HAVE A FREAKIN' BALLOON!"
Paradox: You have issues. (A minute passes)
Paradox: I'm bored. You know, that's not a bad idea...
Paradox: Look (Gestures at the play area). Notice how the play area is sunken in, while benches are staggered around it, like an arena.
Orcfodder: Oh boy! It's time to play "re-enact scenes from cool movies we just saw!"
Paradox and Orcfodder: GLADIATOR KIDDIES!
Paradox: You get the weaponry, I'll convince the parents that matching their kids in mortal combat is a great source of real-world experience for the little spawn.
Orcfodder: Right! (Dashes off) (A few minutes later)
Paradox: So you see, not only can you bet money to help pay for your kids college fund, but you can amuse yourself just as the ancient Roman citizens did, by watching death stand before you in a monument to decadency!
Husband: Uhhh...do we get any beer?
Husband: Quite Martha! You dragged me out here and I missed the play-offs on cable. You can make up for it by entering Sandy in thish'ere contest.
Wife: Oh fine!
Paradox: Ahh! Here comes my associate with the weapons they'll be using!
Orcfodder: Uhhh, hey Paradox, I couldn't find any swords. All they had were these wierd stick thingies (Holds up a Nerf Sword). They call them "Nerfs" I think.
Paradox: *sigh* Try some other place then a toy store. Ah well, it'll do. As long as we keep the gambling aspects alive. Gimme your helmet. (Turns the helmet upside down and goes down the line of parents) Alright folks! First up in the arena is Dave vs. Chris! Place your bets in the helmet and my associate will keep records!
(Meanwhile, on the second floor, in a TV section)
Lothos: You'll never destroy this monument to visual entertainment! Never! (Holds off some Canadians with a sharpened satellite dish)
Canadian Commando: The commander should have reached the det point by now! Why isn't he giving us the signal?
CC2: Sir! I've got him! (Holds Lothos in a choke hold, much to Lothos' annoyance)
Lothos (Turns around): Ha! I de-pants you! (Pulls CC2's pants down)
Walkie Talkie: -^- Red Squad come in! Come in! -^- CC: Finally (Holds up the WT) This is Red Commander, are you ready?
WT: -^- Negative. We've encountered stiff resistance in the food-court. We've managed to break through but we've lost sight of the commander, and he's got the explosives! -^-
CC: Dammit! Alright, start your search, we'll do the same. This whole operation is getting out of hand.
Lothos: EAT TELLETUBBIES, SABETOUER! (Shoves a small TV playing Telletubbies into a Canadians face)
Canadian: No! Brain...MELTING...eyes...BURNING!
Lothos: Hahahaha---Oooooog (Falls down, a dart in his neck)
CC (Holding the dart gun): His nervous system will be out for a while. Gather up the wounded, we've wasted enough time. And dammit Franklin, put your pants back on.
Craw: Galileo, you've been staring at that window display for five minutes. What's the deal with the mannequins?
Galileo: Hmmm? Oh yes. It's just interesting. Seeing a human representation that has no arms, head or legs. Don't you think so?
Craw: Haha! Sure! Me backing away and laughing uneasily is a sign of agreement on this planet!
Galileo: Oh, that's nice.
Dei': We need to find Imp now.
Craw: You've been saying that for the last five minutes.
Dei': Well, that's because WE NEED TO FIND IMP NOW!
Robo-Gerbil: --Current analysis of recent events show a 62% possibility Imp has an explosive device in his possession--
Shade: Don't worry. He's blown up every game store except this one. (Points to the Software Etc. they're standing in front of) As long as we keep an eye on this place, he can't finish his mission. Hopefully the others are searching for Imp right now.
(Back in the Kiddie Arena, Billy and Bobby are duking it out with Nerf swords while a shouting crowd who were once normal parents egg them on)
Billy's Parents: GO FOR THE EYES BILLY! OR NO DESSERT FOR A MONTH!
Bobby's Parents: YOU BETTER WIN BOBBY, OR THE GOLDFISH GOES DOWN THE TOILET!
Billy's Parents: Hey Simmons! Hope you enjoy having dead leaves dumped in your yard, 'cuz that's what you're getting come summer!
Bobby's Parents: Screw you Johnson! You wanna know who scratched your cars paint job and cost you all that money? US! HAHAHA!
Billy's Parents: [Expletives]
Paradox (Counting the money in the helmet): Hee! Not bad, not bad at all. Hey...weren't we at the mall for a reason?
Orcfodder: Ummmm...I dunno. I lost track around about the time the paranoid zombies started rampaging at the south wing.
Orcfodder: Hullo. The cops let you go?
undertow: Not exactly. Hey, can I borrow your boomstick?
Orcfodder: No! My boomstick! Get your own!
undertow: Fine. Jeez, pursue an obsessive vandetta and all of a sudden nobody lets you have fire-arms. No matter. I WILL KILL PETER RABBIT.
Orcfodder: Did I miss something? Hey, you and Punt wanna participate in the gladiator arena we have?
Paradox: C'mon, it's not like you'll die! It's Nerf!
Billy: Die! (Charges Bobby, who dodges, causing Billy to wildly toss his sword away, which bumps the ignition on an electric cart, which starts and runs Punt over)
Punt (Respawning): DAMMIT!
Paradox: Well, it wasn't really the Nerf's fault...
undertow: Enough. C'mon Punt, we'll find something that'll get past all of Peter Rabbit's zombie hordes.
Paradox: Alright folks, Bobby wins by default! And since Billy was the favorite, hehe... (Second Floor)
Shade: Yeah, I'm sure they'll find Imp. We'll just wait here.
Craw: Ho hum...
Robo-Gerbil: --Run Defrag.exe--
Craw: Hey, where's that hillbilly you guys were with?
Galileo: Who knows. No matter now though. (A mysterious man, wearing a trenchcoat and thick sunglasses walks up to the group)
Mysterious Man: Errr....Hallo. I em zee beeg time game deweloper, da?
MM: I vish you do fawor for me, da?
MM: Da, I vish you to take zis (Holds up a zuitc--I mean suitcase and hands it to Craw) end geeve eet to zee manager, da? Iz wery important. I em beeg foreign programmer, da? End iz wery eemportant zat deeze manager gets this, da?
MM (looking at Shade): Ho ho! Such fine female! Find my aczent....zexy, do you? Da, da?
Shade: That's it! (Rips off the sunglasses) Imp! I knew it!
Imp: Damn! I knew I was pushing it!
Shade: Get him! (After a short struggle, Imp is tied up)
Craw: Finally! Now we can go home! And this suitcase has the explosives in it!
Dei': Well done team. Alright, let's report back to the APC, if it hasn't been towed away already.
Craw: No worries, the Box 'o Newbies is gaurding it. (At the crashed APC)
Box 'o Newbies: ...
Tow Truck Driver: Uhhh...you're right. (Drives off empty handed)
Dei': So that's where it was. Okay. (In another part of the mall)
Cletus: Well shucks! All this undead a-walkin' is gettin' me all riled up! I hates undead.
undertow: Hmmm...That guy has weapons...
Cletus: Uhhh....Bunny! I'm-a gonna go huntin' jes like in t' old days, fore muh Pappy died in that huntin' accident. (Raises a sniper rifle)
undertow: Step off, farm-boy! (Knocks him out with the hilt of the sword and takes the rifle) Ahh, perfect for killing certain customed trouble-makers from afar!
Punt: Uh-huh. Where are we going to get him at?
undertow: Well, how about that store over there? (Points at a dark, half-constructed book store) As soon as he passes through here on the way to the central management offices, we can pick him off.
(On the first floor, by the crashed APC)
Shade: Alright, we're here. We should've brought walkie-talkies with us. How's anyone else supposed to know we have Imp?
Craw: Let's raid the PA system!
Dei': One volunteer commandeer the PA and tell the others we have Imp. The rest stay here and gaurd him.
Craw: Oo! I'll go!
Dei': Fine, hurry up.
Galileo: Imp appears to be going into delerium.
Imp (frothing at the mouth): ALL WHO OPPOSE BLIZZARD WILL DIE IN THE NAME OF DELAYED GAMES AND GLOBAL CONQUEST! THESE ROPES CHAFE ME AND I SEE DEAD PEOPLE! WANNA SEE MY SCAR?
Galileo: Perhaps his captivity and his orders to serve Blizzard are conflicting in some way.
Robo-Gerbil: --Prognosis accurate. Treatment involves releasing subject to resolve the conflict--
Shade: So the only way to keep him from going crazy is to release him and let the orders run their course?
Dei': No way. Just sedate him and let Mu check him out. He is mind-controlled after all.
Phasmus: Curses! Those damnable Newbies have taken the package! And I don't think they plan on blowing anything up. I'm going to have to find someone who will...*twitch* These plot points are getting annoying. Someone find the author and *twitch* DO SOMETHING UNPLEASANT. You! (Points at a minion)
Phasmus: Listen. I have a plan...
(At the mall PA center)
Craw: Hi security guys! There's a baker's convention over at the East Wing! Doughnuts galore!
Mall Cops: Awesome!
Craw: Hehe, too easy.
(At the book store)
undertow (holding the rifle and peering down at the first floor) : Hehehehe...just a little while now...
(At the APC)
Minion: Ungggg... (Sneaks in through an air duct and cuts Imp's ropes)
Imp: Wheee! (Grabs the package and runs)
Shade: Dammit! Where'd that mummy come from? After Imp!
(The Kiddie Arena)
Paradox: Heee! We're making out like bandits!
Orcfodder: Paradox! I've been getting some rumours that Paranoid CWALer and his zombies are coming our way! We can't sit here and evade them for long!
Paradox: Dammit, just when I had a good thing going. Alright folks, that's it! No more arena. We'll be taking the money and running! So long suckers! Let's go Orcy!
(The zombie parade)
Paranoid: Haha! Just a few more minutes and we'll attack the seat of corporate oppresion!
Paranoid: Hey. What the...is that Imp? (Looking off into the distance)
Imp: MUHAHAHA! I have the explosives! Haw, haw! oof! (Following closely was Copernicus, who barrels into him, causing the explosives to fly into a fountain near the zombies) NOOOO!
(Shade, Galileo, Dei' and Robo-Gerbil catch up)
Galileo: Excellent work, Copernicus.
Imp: Ha! You may have the last laugh, but I'm still going to blow up the package! Just because that would be cool. (Holds up a detenator)
Dei': Uh oh.... (Up in the bookstore)
undertow: Almost...in my...sites....Cause me this much trouble will you? Frame me eh? Lessee how you like this... *BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*
Punt: Aughh! Not again!
undertow: No! I've lost my line of fire! There's smoke all over the damn place!
Orcfodder: Imp! That's it! We've been here so damned long we forgot our objective!
Paradox: Yeah...we should head to the explosion and find out what's going on.
Orcfodder: Can I have my helmet back?
Paradox: Not until we find a safe place to put this precious money. (Back in the zombie parade)
Paranoid: *Cough* ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT!
Peter: Dude, totally. That sucks. The smokes clearing. (Back at the bookstore)
undertow: Ah! the smoke is clearing! I see him! (Pulls trigger)
(Back at the parade)
Peter: Dude, this smoke is hot. I gotta take this costume off.
(Takes off the head, revealing a mid-twenties face with a foil helmet on top)
(The sniper bullet takes off most of Peter's head, and his foil helmet flies off)
Paranoid: NOOO! It's JFK all over again! Why?! (He bends over to Peter's corpse, and notices movement inside the costume) Wha?
(Out of the costume pops two gnomes)
Paranoid: Gahh! What the hell?
Gnome1: Dammit Ogzor! I told you not to take the mask off!
Gnome2: Shut-up! It's not like it would have stopped the bullet.
Gnome1: You know how long it took to create that body? This whole operation is ruined!
Gnome2: Look! It's the human puppet! (points at Paranoid)
Gnome1: You may have won this round human, but we will rule this world in the end!
Gnome2: Beam us up, Florg. (The gnomes vanish in a cool Star Trek effect)
Paranoid: ...EVIL SPACE GNOME BODY-SNATCHERS! AHHHHHHHH! (Looks around at the zombies, realization creeping in) THEY'RE IN THE ZOMBIES! KILL THEM ALL! (Leaps off the reprogramming center, a crow bar in hand)
Imp: MUHAHAHA! EXPLOSION AND FIRE FOR THE BLIZZARD HATERS!
Dei': Hmmmm...(walks over to the foil helmet dropped by Peter Rabbit) Don't you humans have some kind of belief that this device is supposed deflect mind-rays?
Shade: That's just a myth. Besides, the mind-control is inside his mind, not being projected from outside.
Dei': Yes, but the orders Blizzard is giving him are coming from outside. Maybe this will help deflect the orders, even though he's mind-controlled.
Shade: Eh, worth a shot.
(Dei' puts the helmet on Imp. He immediately goes limp and starts speaking gibberish)
Shade: What the? He's just saying a stream of 1's and 0's
Robo-Gerbil: --Analysis: Binary-- --Will translate-- --Begin: Blizzard Mind-Control Protocol, v. 2.05 Awaiting Input, Please give oral passcode now Access Denied Access Denied Access Denied...--
Dei': What's that mean?
Robo-Gerbil: --Analysis: System rebooted once input ceased-- --Mind-Control is still present, but it requires a code speaken orally to go past its security lock. The ambient sound in this mall is interfering with the code program, causing the multiple access denied messages--
Dei': Hmmmm....so we need someone to speak the code out loud to gain access to Imp's mind. We should probably get him to Mu right a--
PA: Testes...1, 2, uhhh...3 Hehe...*crackle*
Shade, Dei', R-G and Galileo: Craw.
PA: Woohoo! *crackle* It works! I just wan*crackle*na say....CWAL *crackle kzzt!*rules!
Imp: Access granted! Input objective now.
Dei': Imp must have heard Craw say "CWAL Rules" over the PA and accepted it as the password.
Shade: Blizzard wouldn't have that as a password.
Galileo: It is possible the interference from the PA caused Imp to hear something other then "CWAL Rules"
Robo-Gerbil: --Very likely. Variation "CWAL Rules" = "CWAL Drools"--
Shade: They would put that.
Paranoid: KILL ZOMBIE SPACE GNOME BODY SNATCHERS! YAHHHHH!
PA: Oh yeah, all Newbies report to the APC, on the double. We found Imp.
(A while later)
(At the APC, Paranoid sits, coverd in blood with a satisfied grin on his face. Orcfodder is wearing his helmet, dollar bill sticking out from the visor. Paradox is counting money. undertow is holding a sniper rifle and looks serene. Imp is tied up with earplugs in his ears and a foil helmet on hid head. The rest are in the APC starting it up)
Paranoid: I stopped an invasion of body-snatching space gnomes!
Paradox: Yeah, sure you did. Good for you. Hmmm...a couple hundred. Not bad.
Orcfodder: Money smells funny. How can you people use such fragile currency? Gold is the way to go. Nice and solid.
Paradox: Hiya Phasmus! What are you doing here?
Phasmus: Oh, just claiming my newest acquisition!
Paradox: The mall? But Global MegaOmniCorp owns this mall.
Phasmus: Not anymore. It appears that a MOST unfortunate terrorist explosion has caused one of the wings in construction to collapse in on itself. This makes MegaOmniCorp Mall the SECOND largest mall in existance. And since Global MegaOmniCorp does not enjoy having second ANYTHING, they bowed out of the land lease, which defaults directly to the organisation that built the building, the Phasmus & Co. Construction Division!
Shade (Poking her head out of the APC): Uh-huh. So that's why you had your minion release Imp? So he could cause an explosion and cause Global MegaOmniCorp to give this place up?
Phasmus: *twitch* My DEAR lady, such accusations wound me! I cannot account for ALL of my minions, there are so many! If one of them just happens to let loose the culprit of such a heinous act, it obviously didn't know what it was doing! My minions abide the law, after all, I write them!
Shade: Uh-huh. Well, c'mon everyone, let's take Imp back to the HQ. (They all climb into the APC and drive off, leaving belching smoke and a gaping hole in the mall)
Phasmus: Ah, welcome to the Phasmus family, mall! Muhahahaha!
(In the movie theatre)
Canadian Commando: I wanna go home!
Lothos: Quiet! I had to go threw a lot to convince the manager to let us in! Now sit back and relax, it's the "Weekend at Bernie's" Marathon!
CC2: Why do we have to stay here?
Lothos: Because I took all your pants, remember? And you don't get them back 'till I'm done watching movies!
THE freakin' END