Welcome to MegaOmniCorp Mall, a product of Global MegaOmniCorp. and Phasmus & Co. Developement Division. "The Developement Division, our customers are profit figures on a sales report, that's how much we care!"
(Craw, Shade and Dei' look down from a ledge to the first floor, where Punt is currently wrestling an old man for reasons the three cannot fathom)
Shade: Well, I suppose he would be doing something like that.
Craw: Five bucks on the old guy!
Dei': Nooo...This is not an arena, this is a mall. And besides, we have a mission to attend to, remember?
Craw: Uhhhh... (Behind them, several shops away, an EBX software store explodes)
Craw: Hmmmm... (As debris and charred game boxes float down by Craw's feet, Imp runs by the Newbies)
Imp: MUHAHAHAHA! ALL NON-BLIZZARD PRODUCTS DIE!!! Oh, hey Craw!
Craw: Hey Imp. How's things?
Imp: Cool. I've blown up three stores so far, and I've got enough C-4 to bring down the rest in no time flat! See ya, gotta mindlessly follow the orders of my malevolent masters. I am, after all, mind-controlled!
Craw: Yeah, later. Now what were we doing here? Lesseee...
Dei': Well? Imp? Ran by a second ago?
Shade: I'd chase after him, but I think watching Craw recollect the past couple of hours is so much more entertaining.
Craw: ...I'm hungry!
Dei': And the earth shakes with this divine revelation. Alright, fine, we'll go eat. I'm hungry myself.
Shade: The food-court is on the opposite end of the mall. That's a good hour and half of walking.
Craw: No problem! Just let the me solve the problem. There's our answer! (Points to an electric cart)
Dei': It'll do. There's something strange about this cart...
Shade: It's the blood-soaked seat, right?
Dei': That and the crate marked 'high explosives' in the back.
Craw: Stop worrying. I'm sure that the blood and explosives couldn't possibly be linked to some devious plot to blow up the mall.
(And so the three Newbies climb into the cart and drive off. Back where they left, Imp emerges from the bathroom)
Imp: Ah! Nothing like relieving one's self afte--What the?! Where'd my cart go? And my explosives? Dammit! Where the hell am I going to get explosives at such short notice? (Walks over to a mall directory)...hmmm...Women's Apparell...Men's Shoes...Minimum Security Prison...Gladiator Arenas...The Well of Bones...Customer Service...Ooh! Here we go, Warfare Department! Man, I love this mall. What stores do they have there...hmmm...Bob's Large Caliber Shooting Gallery...No. Assassins Unlimited...No. DMV...Ewwww! Must be psychological warfare. There it is, Cletus McPherson's Ordinance Closet! I hope their on sale! Their on the third floor...
(Imp takes a nearby escalator. As he nears the top, the shoe-lace on his rotting corpse gets caught in between the stairs. He fails to notice until too late)
Imp: Aw crap! This is the last thing I need! (Dies as the escalator drags his foot under and shears the skin and muscle from his bones as they crack into splinters against the inexorable movement of the escalator gears)
Mall PA: Attention janitorial workers, clean-up at escalator #220, clean-up at escalator #220.
Craw (Shouting at the shoppers): Outta the way! We need to eat! Eat, eat, eat!
Shade: Dei'! You are not supposed run over shoppers like that!
Dei': It looked like he was trying to intercept us! I couldn't let him get in the way!
(As they argue about the dubious intentions of the shopper, another cart comes up from behind them, filled with mall cops)
Cop (Using a bullhorn): Attention miscreants! You are not authorized to operate an electric mall cart in this building! Pull over at once!
Dei': Errr...the cops! Craw, do something useful and vaporize them.
Craw: Sounds fun. Eat this, flatfoot! (Lets loose a fireball, which misses the pursuing cart and flies right through the doors of a WB Store)
Craw: Hmmm...Well, at least nothing of value was destroyed.
Dei': Dammit, that cart is gaining on us. We have too much weight! Craw, dump that crate, quick!
Shade: I think I can do something. (Turns to the back of the cart and pries open a small panel, exposing the battery and some wiring) I can get a little more energy out of the battery if I...(Starts fiddling with the insides) (Back in the pursuing cart)
Cop1: Well Duke, what do you thing?
Cop2: Bruce, I got a cheeseburger in my lunch box. It's getting cold.
Cop1: You're right, let's take these bastards down.
Cop2: Oh yeah. (The two unholster their guns and start firing)
(Back in the Newbie's cart)
Craw (Struggling with the crate): Errrfff! This things heavy. C'mon, get out! (Bullets whiz overhead, and a few imbed themselves into the plastic near the crate) Yikes!
Dei': Craw, hurry it up! If those bullets hit the crate, we all die!
Craw: I'm trying! (Redoubles his efforts to cast away the crate)
Shade: Okay...everything's hooked up...now...hold on everyone! (Twists a pair of pliers into the mass of wires)
(As soon as Shade finishes the modifications, the cart bursts forward and speeds ahead of the cops. The Newbies are buffeted in the cart as it careens down the mall)
Craw: Oof! Hey! The crate! It went over the side!
Shade: No matter. We're at the food-court now. Let's eat.
(The two cops stand by their wrecked cart, which has imbedded itself into the crate)
Cop2: Dammit Bruce, you just had to run into it, didn't you?
Cop1: We were moving too fast! I couldn't avoid it!
Cop2: We were in an electric cart, it has a top-speed of 7mph.
Cop1: Oh shut up! Well, we have the crate at least. Let's take it into the prison section and lock it up.
(Meanwhile, in the food-court)
Shade: I don't get it...why is the line longest at the McDonalds? Their food has the consistency of most plastics. And tastes like it too.
Craw: Maybe this McDonalds actually makes quality food.
Shade: Any universe where this is possible has no hope in redeeming itself. Only the absolutely evil realms have good McDonalds food.
---(Realm of Evil)---
Demon: Our french fries are golden crispy! And our McNuggets are out of this world!
Nighteye: That's pretty damned evil. Keep it up.
Demon: Yes sir!
---(Back at the Food-Court)---
(The Newbies have seated themselves and are feasting on some food when Lothos comes by)
Craw: Hi Lothos!
Lothos: Greetings. (Sits at the table, grinning to himself)
Shade: Lothos. Covered in blood, I see. Avenge yourself against another news reporter?
Lothos: That and more! (The Newbies and Lothos sit in silence for while)
Lothos: Well?! Aren't you going to ask me what I've been doing?! I'm dripping in gore, doesn't anybody wanna know why?
Dei': No. And could you drip gore elsewhere? It's hard to tell the difference between blood and ketchup.
Craw: OH GAWD! Is that what the funny taste in my burger is coming from?!
Dei': No, that's the secret sauce.
Craw: Oh phew...
Dei': The stuff on your fries, however...
Craw: OH YECCHHH! (Holds a napkin to his mouth)
Lothos: Hey! If you're going to spew, spew as far away from me as you can! (picks up Craw and throws him across the mall)
Shade: That was uncalled for, and you've dropped an intestine on my burger.
Lothos: Hmmph! Fine! I'll go find someone who's actually interested in what I did! (Walks off)
Dei': Wait! Lothos, is that a stomach you just dropped? Pick that up at once! Honestly, with Earth Day happening so recently you'd think you'd learn something about littering.
Lothos: Aww, it would have decomposed after a couple months! (Before he could reach it, a food-court employee grabs the organ and tosses it into a meat vat) Errrr....
(Craw has landed in the middle of a half-constructed part of the mall. Only his collision with a man clad in black breaks his fall.)
Walkie-Talkie: -^- Ranger 2? What the hell was that? Are you under attack? -^-
Craw: Oog...what's that smell? (Looks down at a can of paint on the floor) Ooooo...paint fumes....(Slumps back down to the ground, then struggles to get back up) Hmmmm...s'neat...wazzis? (Picks up an MP5 Machine Gun) Cool! Hmmm...more...(picks up a walkie-talkie from the floor) Uh...hello?
W-T: -^- Ranger 2? Is that you? We thought we lost you! -^-
Craw: Uh...wha? (Looks around, and sees the man dressed in black lying unconscious on the floor)
W-T: -^- Ranger 2, come in, we need some recon! -^-
Craw: Um, what? What do you need?
W-T: -^- Recon! Where the hell are you? -^-
Craw: Oh...I'm in this...empty place. Looks like it's not finished or something. Why?
W-T: -^- Good idea, security won't be so tight in the unfinished sections. All right, we'll be on your position in a bit. After we bring in the explosives, we can get out of here and watch this American obscenity go up in flames. -^-
Craw: Uh...cool! Wait a minute...(Looks closer at the unconscious man and sees the Canadian patch on his sleeve) Oh CRAP! Canadians...with explosives! That can't be good.... (Sounds of movement can be heard, and in a few seconds, Craw is surrounded by Canadians)
Commander: You're not Ranger 2! We'll have to kill you to keep this operation quiet. Prepare to die, American! (The commandos raise their guns)
Craw: Ummm...catch! (Tosses a fireball at the nearest commando, who ducks it easily. However, the flammable wet paint on the walls are not so readily mobile and the room quickly fills with fire)
Commander: Move out team! Our cover is blown! Just put the explosives in the pre-marked position and get out of here! (Spies Craw trying to get out of the room) And get him!
Craw: Eep! (Meanwhile, somewhere on the second floor)
Lothos: Hmmph. Stupid newbies, just don't apprecia--
Craw (Running): Gang way! Insane mob of Canadian agents with guns incoming! (Runs into Lothos)
Lothos: Oof! For that you pay, newbie.
Craw: Lothos! Canadians are coming to blow up the mall!
Lothos: What? Blow up the mall? Including the movie theatres in the mall? That can't be allowed. The movie theatre is like a home away from home!
(The Canadians come running up)
Lothos: Oh no you don't! Nobody blows up anything while I'm still in it. Unless I'm the one who blew it up in the first place, in which case I probably had a good reason for it, like when the cable company took away my cable box, or wh--Ah, screw it, I'll just pulverize the lot of you.
Commander: Red Squad deal with the big guy. White Squad follow me, we've got to get to the detonation point! (A group of commandos with a small box follow the Commander while the rest of them distract Lothos)
Craw: It looks like that one group is heading for the food-court. If I can get there before them we'll have time to prepare...(Runs off)
(Craw sits at the table with Dei' and Shade, explaining the situation)
Craw: So basically, that's what's going on. A bunch of Canadians are apparently pissed at us and wants to blow up the mall. And they have to go through the food court to get to the detonation point. Shade: Well, guess we're going to have to stop them.
Dei': Just the three of us? Uh-huh. We need an army.
Shade: Where exactly are we going to get an army?
Dei': Them! (Gestures to the clerks and managers of the food-court) I'm pretty sure they don't want this place to go up in smoke.
Clerk (speaking to a customer): Here's you McMeat Meal. Have a nice day. My life is a hollow lie.
Craw: I wouldn't be so sure...I bet they've been dreaming of that for a long time.
Dei' (Ignoring Craw, climbs onto the table and yells at the top of her lungs): HEY! All you workers listen up! We've got a problem here.
Clerk1: Babes! (Points at Dei' and Shade) That chicks on a table. There's only one reason a chick'd get on the table!
Clerk2: Score! (Clerks start to surround the table, oggling)
Shade: Smart Dei', really, really smart.
Dei': Dammit...I forgot that the majority of the workers here are mostly hormones.
Craw: Hey wait a minute...they can't understand you. How'd they know you were calling for them?
Shade: I don't think they were actually *listening*.
Dei': Grrr.... (A while later)
Shade: Alright, prop those tables up and form them into a wall! You! Stop lollygagging and set up those boiler traps! We don't have much time!
Dei': How did you get them to start working? Shade: Well, it was easy, I just gave them all both our phone-numbers an--
Dei': YOU DID WHAT?!
Shade: Relax, it's not really our numbers. Newbies don't even have phones, remember?
Dei': Oh yeah. So who's phone number was it?
Shade: Ohh, nobody in particular. Just someone who happens to have a...fetish for...unconsentual intercourse amongst men...
Dei': You didn't...Friendly:)?
Shade (Looking innocent): I didn't say anything...
Dei': Right...well at least it worked. The Canadians wil--
Commander (Walking into the food-court and seeing the barricades): What the...Alright squad, new plan! We need to breach those walls to get to the detonation point! Split up and attack 'em from all sides, use grenades, anything t--
Craw: Fire! (A line of fast-food workers stand from under the tables and launch Burger King Pokeballs at the Canadians. As the plastic balls land, they break and reveal their gooey contents)
Commander: God in heaven! Secret Sauce! Put your gas masks on! (As the Canadians scramble, a tendril of Secret Stench snakes into the nose of one of the commandos)
Commando: Its...its got me...the horror...*dies*
Shade: I thought those Burger King toys were recalled. *tink* *tink*
Craw: Grenade! (Ducks under one of the tables)
Commander: Charge! (The Canadians and store clerks clash in a mealstrom of shrapnel and boiling cooking oils. Shade and Craw join in as Dei' sets up some plans in a reinforced bunker)
(I bet this part will look familiar...)
Craw: Woohoo! Carnage! Bullets! Grease fires! Let's PARTAY! Yipe!! (A grenade lands by his side)
(As Craw cowers from the oncoming blast, Shade picks up the offending explosive and tosses it back from whence it came)
Shade: Silly man, cowering is for kids!
Craw: Oh errr...yeah! (Puffs out his chest) Good thing I was here, eh?
Shade: Shut up, pick up a gun, and FREAKIN' FIGHT, unless you want to see the entire mall go up in smoke.
(Shade rejoins the battle, while Craw makes it LOOK like he's rejoining the battle, but he's actually helping himself to a generous serving of Popeye's chicken tenders as the battle rages. Meanwhile, in a reinforced bunker in the middle of the fight, Dei' is looking over a tactical map with military advisors at her side)
Dei' (pointing at the map): [Incomprehensible garble]
Craw (Poking his head in to the bunker, chicken tenders in his hands): Hi fellas! I brought lunch!
Dei': It's about time, I need you to translate for my advisors here.
Craw: What advisors?
Dei': These! (gestures to the people surrounding her)
Craw: Those aren't advisors, those are fast-food managers.
Dei': Well close enough, now get into the bunker before the Canadians see you!
Craw: And this isn't a bunker, it's a bunch of food-court tables propped up to make a little fort. Kinda neat! Reminds me of when I made a fort from couch cushions. Hey! Whataya looking at? Is that a smashed up mall directory?
Dei': It's...a...tactical map! Now shut up and get in here! *CCCCCRRREEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!*
Dei': Ummm...what was that? *SSSMMMMMMMMAAAASSHHHH!!!*
Craw: Came from outside.
Dei': We'd better check. (The two emerge from the tables and go where Shade is standing. In front of them lies a sizable slab of the third floor. Standing on it is a very large bespectacled Canukalisk)
Voice (From on top of the beast): Dammit Geek! I told you this thing couldn't withstand your weight!
Geek: I knew that perfectly well! You were the one who forced me onto the third floor in the first place, Aura!
Aura: Excuses excuses. Ummm...I suppose I should ask if everyone is all right?
Galileo: I shall live. So will Copernicus.
Robo-Gerbil: ---Assessment: No major damage sustained---
Cletus: Hooooweee! We got ourselves into a whole mess'a fight hea! Jus' like m'old Da said, them mean city streets is mean!
Geek, Aura, Galileo and Robo-Gerbil: Shut-up Cletus!
Craw: Uhhh...Hey! What are you all doing here? You just interrupted an uber-cool fight!
Robo-Gerbil: ---Chronology indicates we have little time to debrief you of events taking place on the third floor---
Aura: Nothing here Geek. Where's the Macy's in this stupid mall...
Geek: Don't you think we sho--
Aura: MACY'S. NOW. Oh never mind. We'd never get there if you're taking me. I'll go there myself. (Leaps off of his back and heads out)
Galileo: I say, is she always this driven?
Geek: Only when she's in a mall. And considering this is the new largest mall in the world, and it's an opening day sale, no less, she's doing an admirable job of containing herself as much as she has.
Cletus: Don't got no time to speak Spanky! I swore on my poor Da's grave I'd kill tha--
Galileo: Do shut-up Cletus! And cease calling me Spanky, curse you! You are testing my tolerance. Oh yes, and you did bring your guns, did you not?
Robo-Gerbil: ---How did he scrape together enough brain cells to own a weapons store?---
Galileo: The answer would surely be most disturbing to say the least.
Dei': Well, so much for the battle. Looks like the Canadians escaped with the explosives while we were occupied.
Geek: If I may interrupt, I am afraid the Canadians are not our only worries. If I may accompany you...
Shade: A Canukalisk. Sure, why not. I'm sure we can find something useful for you to do.
(Paranoid CWALer and Peter Rabbit emerge from Storybook Land after a brief scuffle with the mall cops, who were captured and forced into Peter Rabbit's Neural Reprogramming Center)
Peter Rabbit (Looking back at the reprogrammed masses): Oh hell yeah man! We got ourselves an army!
Paranoid: Yup! First thing we do is find the alien Elvis clone in control of this mall, and force him to call off the invasion of the Andromeaden UberMonkeys!
Mall Cops: Stop right there!
Paranoid: He's trying to oppress us! Fight the Man!
Reprogrammed Shopper1: Fight...Man...
RS3: Roswell...alien slave...
Cop: Hey! Get away from me! Get a--AAAAAUUGGHHH!!
Rabbit: Aw freakin' cool man! I didn't know they could eat people!
Paranoid: We're unstoppable! The Nine Men who Control the World can't stop us now!
(Meanwhile, Orcfodder and Paradox look on behind a bench)
Orcfodder: Paranoid zombies...how evahl.
---To Be Continued?--- Next, the Madness on floor three explained! Tell me what you think. And suggestions if you you feel they are necessary.