(Here now at the MegaOmniCorp Mall. Or the OmniMegaCorp Mall. Regardless, it's a big mall, and there's a brain-washed CWALer with many explosives and plenty of targets. Which usually equates to "bad" in the big-picture)


---(First Floor)---


Orcfodder: It's been two hours, and we haven't even covered all the wings yet. Uggg...


Paradox: This is BORING! Why do WE always have to save the unwashed masses from our own people? There should be like...a vigilante CWAL-hunting force, that doesn't involve the newbies.


Punt: Are you losers still trying to find Imp? Please, lost cause. Just let him blow some stuff up, it'll do wonders for the soul, I hear. I'm going to go and find me some apples.


Paradox: There are no apples in this mall, what do you think this is, a produce store? (Punt leaps on Paradox and grips him by the collar, somehow knocking him down. For the first time, his blood shot eyes are clearly visible)


Punt: Look you fungal throwback! I haven't had any apples since we left the HQ, and I will FIND APPLES! (Turns around to see a bunch of senior citizens coming in through a door)


Tour Guide: All right, everyone in the "Everly Retirement Home" group gather 'round. We've got a good three hours until the tour bus leaves, which should give you plenty of time to look around at least the first floor.


Old Guy: Shut yer hole sonny! I've been in retirement since 'fore you was a pimple-faced nerd with a pair of dice in your hands, so I don't need any lip from you. Now just play nice and tell me where the slot machines are.


TG: This is a mall gramps, not a casino. No gambling here.


OG: Damnation! Does it got any hookers?


TG: No.


OG: Why the hell did I sign up for this?


Punt: Oo! Old people! They have apples! Old people always have APPPPLLLEESSSS! (Scampers off to the group, and kicks one of the tourists down) Gimme apples! Now!


Orcfodder: *sigh* Well, he's gone sufficiently insane to be of no use to us. Apple withdrawal can be hell. At least, that's what I hear. Where's undertow?


Paradox: Dunno. Say his name with a capital letter. That should bring him screaming into our general area soon enough.


Orcfodder: Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not fodder.


Mall PA: Attention consumers, we would like to thank you again for joining us on our grand opening. However, we regret to inform you that the "Peter Rabbit and Friends" event has been cancelled, as the Rabbit has gone insane and is currently conducting an aggressive campaign of neural-reprogramming on anyone who comes near. Security is looking in on the matter.


P and O: Hmmm...




(Peter Rabbit's Storybook Land, where Rabbit and Paranoid take their stand against mall security)


Mall Cop: Put down your weapons and release the hostages!




(Nearby, a little boy and Peter Rabbit are holding a conversation)


Rabbit: So like, what's your name little bro?


Billy: Billy!


Rabbit: S'cool Billy. So, how are you parents? They treat you good?


Billy: Yeah. Except dad doesn't believe me when I say there's a boogey-man under my bed.


Rabbit: Well that's just heinous man, heinous. Nobody ever believes the true visionaries you know. Hey Billy, wanna go and fight the shadowy inner-circles of power, who seek to control and oppress the human race so we can be sold to the dog-people of Sirius B as slaves?


Billy: Ummm...will I get my picture taken with you?


Rabbit: Sure thing Billy-boy!


Billy: Yay!


Rabbit: But first, you're going to have to learn some new things, so the black magicks of the Freemason Rosicrucians will be rendered harmless in battle. Just 'gwan up to that little shack up 'yonder (Points to a plastic hovel shaped vaguely like a cabin. On top of it, the sign, "Peter Rabbit's Neural Reprogramming Center" is seen. "Neural Reprogramming" is written over "Storybook House". Outside the house are a small group of zombie-like shoppers and their children who spent some time inside)


Reprogrammed Shopper: Must...fight..The Man...freakin' Man...


RS #2: Fight...government...fascism...down with...Illuminati...


Paranoid (holding off more cops by swinging the hefty book prop): TAKE THAT, UNQUESTIONING PAWN OF THE CIA!!




(undertow is seen running at full tilt from a small swarm of children)




Kids: Yay! It's Peter Rabbit!


undertow: RRRAARRGHH! (Ducks into a toy store)


(The kids follow him in, but are stopped by a Pokemon display inside)


Kids: Ooo! New Pokemon! *drools*


undertow: Yech. (walks out, wandering to the other CWALers location)


Paradox: Hey undertow! Where have you been?


undertow: Some kids think I'm Peter ...Rabbit... and have been chasing me all over the mall. The little bastards are persistent.


Orcfodder: Hehe, our very own rab--


undertow: *glares*


Orcfodder (Catching himself): --bi! Our very own...rabbi, yeah, that's what I meant to say. Doesn't really mean anything, but at least it's a harmless little word, yeah?


undertow: Just watch yourself. If I hear that word on more time, I'm going to seriously pop. I mean it.


(Not far away, Punt and the old people get it on. In a violent way. NO, they're just FIGHTING, you sick freaks. Get your mind out of the gutter)


Punt (Takes a left hook to the face): Oof! Your powers are weak old man. I shall claim my fruity prize.


OG: Bah! I fought Nazis with my bare hands during the War! You want a piece junior? (Tourists are screaming encouragements to the two contestants)


Tourists: Get him in a headlock! Choke the life out of him! Rabbit punch 'em! RABBIT PUNCH!


Paradox: Ut-oh...


Orcfodder: Cover his ears! Oh no, too late! (They both look at undertow, who seems to look strangely serene...too serene)




(In undertow's head)


undertow: Rabbit! RaBBiT! R-A-B-B-I-T! rabbit! RABBIT! Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids! Peter Rabbit! Bunny Rabbit! rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit rabbit DON'T CALL ME A RABBIT!!


---(Meanwhile...hehe...I love this meanwhile thing)---


(Back in reality)




Paradox: Grab him! (Just as undertow lunges off into the crowd with sword in hand, Paradox and Orcfodder each grab his hind legs, leaving him scraping the floor with one paw and trying to swing his sword behind him at his captors)


undertow: Leggo of me! I can't take it anymore! Must KEEEEELLLL THE BUNNY LOVERSSSSS!!!


Voice: Hold it right there miscreant! (A beefy hand grabs undertow and whisks away his sword)


undertow: Okay, someone's going to regret their existence now...who is it? (Looks at the one who's hand deprived him of his sword) A mall cop? MALL COP?! Now I'm real mad...


Cop: Threatening the life of mall consumers is a violation of section #12, paragraph #7, line #1, ink-spot-that-vaguely-resembles-a-regulation #2! You will be incarcerated immediately! And so will you! (Holds up Punt, who's holding a pair of slimy dentures in his hands)


Punt: Hey! That old guy deserved it! He didn't have any apples, the peon.


Orcfodder: Errr...excuse me, um, officer. But where are you taking them.


Cop: The mall jail.


Orcfodder: This mall has its own jail?


Cop: Global MegaOmniCorp saw fit to furbish MegaOmniCorp Mall with all the anemnities of a modern-day shopping center/minimum security prison. It's the best of both worlds. The shopping center doesn't have to worry about security, and prison inmates don't have to worry about anal-rapings!


Paradox: Wow, that is a good deal. Better make sure Friendly:) doesn't hear about such virgin lands.


(Elsewhere in Irvine)


Friendly:): Did you just hear something?


Shlonglor: Ummm..no. Can you untie me now?




Shlonglor: I knew I should've stayed in bed.


(Back at the mall)


Orcfodder: How long will they have to stay in the pen?


Cop: About 24 hours. Before, we had to keep them here for two days, but since Global MegaOmniCorp recently purchased several seats in the Supreme Court, we can do it without all the beuracracy required by the Constitution.


Paradox: Wow. Suspension of the Constitution. Who would've thought money could've accomplished that?


Cop: Ya, really. Hadius Corpus my eye! Alright, time to lock you two up.


undertow: Guys! Don't leave us here! Bail us out or something!


Cop: If you want a lawyer, go check the "Justice4Sale" store to your right. (Walks off with Punt and undertow in custody)


Paradox: Well, get a lawyer or wait a day?


Orcfodder: Let's check out the lawyers first...(The two walk into the store and are greeted by a salesman)


Pardox: Hi, w--


Salesman (Speaking rapidly): Howdy friends, what can I do for ya? Need a lawyer? Need a juror? A judge? A Supreme Court Justice? How 'bout some legal documents or a law degree? I got 'em all, CHEAP too!


Customer: Ah, excuse me...


Salesman: Just one moment fine sirs. (Turns to the customer) Yes?


Customer: Hi, I came about this twelve-man jury package I bought last week. I think they're defective.


Salesman: Oh really? How so?


Customer: They found me guilty!


Salesman: I see. Well, you probably need an upgrade.


Cutomer: An upgrade.


Salesman: Yup. A bought jury usually works better in tandem with a crooked judge and an inept prosecutor. All of whom are on sale for 25% less than before. I'll knock off 5% more just for you!


Customer: Oh all right. It better work this time. I'll pay by check. (Writes in a checkbook) "Tobacco industry...pay to...Justice4Sale...700 dollars" Here you go. Thanks!


Salesman: You to sir! Would you like your judge and lawyer in a bag or shipped by UPS?


Customer: Better bag 'em. Last time I got an order of lawyers sent by UPS, it was delayed so long they starved to death after devouring each other and subsisting on fibers from the wooden crate.


Salesman: Yeah, that happens when people forget to put in the little doggy dish. Now (Turns to where Orcfodder and Paradox stood, but are now gone) Where did they go?...




Orcfodder: That was....horrible.


Paradox: Salesmen selling Lawyers...how evahl.


(Elsewhere in Irvine)


GAVAL: Did you just hear something?


Pez: Nope. Hey GAVAL.




Pez: Silly Slayer.


(Back at the mall)


Paradox: Hell with it, let them figure a way out. I wonder if the other expiditions are looking for Imp still...


---(Second Floor)---


(In the food court of MegaOmniCorp Mall, a fierce fire-fight has broken out between a group of Black-Ops like agents wearing Canadian flag patches on their sleeves, and a motley crew of fast-food mall attendants. The three CWALer's are caught in the middle)


Craw: Woohoo! Carnage! Bullets! Grease fires! Let's PARTAY! Yipe!! (A grenade lands by his side)


(As Craw cowers from the oncoming blast, Shade picks up the offending explosive and tosses it back from whence it came)


Shade: Silly man, cowering is for kids!


Craw: Oh errr...yeah! (Puffs out his chest) Good thing I was here, eh?


Shade: Shut up, pick up a gun, and FREAKIN' FIGHT, unless you want to see the entire mall go up in smoke.


(Shade rejoins the battle, while Craw makes it LOOK like he's rejoining the battle, but he's actually helping himself to a generous serving of Popeye's chicken tenders as the battle rages. Meanwhile, in a reinforced bunker in the middle of the fight, Dei' is looking over a tactical map with military advisors at her side)


Dei' (pointing at the map): [Incomprehensible garble]


Advisor: Ummmm...


Craw (Poking his head in to the bunker, chicken tenders in his hands): Hi fellas! I brought lunch!


Dei': It's about time, I need you to translate for my advisors here.


Craw: What advisors?


Dei': These! (gestures to the people surrounding her)


Craw: Those aren't advisors, those are fast-food managers.


Dei': Well close enough, now get into the bunker before the Canadians see you!


Craw: And this isn't a bunker, it's a bunch of food-court tables propped up to make a little fort. Kinda neat! Reminds me of when I made a fort from couch cushions. Hey! Whataya looking at? Is that a smashed up mall directory?


Dei': It's...a...tactical map! Now shut up and get in here!


---Coming up next, an explanation for the madness on floor 2! (It's not just any madness, it's MALL MADNESS!!)---