The morning on Harlemia dawned in a light way, as mornings have a tendancy to do. With the first rays of bright, sunny sunlight streaming down upon the large main city came the collective groans of the street kids that made up half the planet's population as they woke up.


Life for a street kid on the planet was really not all that different from life for any kid on that world. Of course, the reason for this was the fact that all the kids on the planet were street kids. Every last one of them. Sleeping in the cold night air, no roof over their heads, spending all day scowering dingy alleyways for scraps of food that even the local population of radioactive lizard-cats wouldn't touch. It was a tragic way to go through life. You hear me? It was TRAGIC, damnit! Can't you FEEL the TRAGEDY of it all!?!




Of course, things were slightly different in the Governmental Pallace of the planet, where the mayor (the planet was entirely too poor to afford a governor, king or mafia boss. TRAGEDY, people) resided. This pallace was easily the most opulent structure in the entire star system. It achieved this title by being the ONLY structure entirely made up of materials that weren't cardboard or banana peels.


Inside the palace, the mayor sat at his desk (pile of concrete blocks), upon his favourite office chair (a soiled barstool). All in all, it was a pretty sad scene. Of course, to any of the residents of the world, it looked astounding and richly-furnished. Thus, is the overriding tragic nature of the entire world displayed again. I hope you get it this time.


The mayor was going about his daily business, when he heard something of an interesting noise eminating from the sky outside. Rushing to his window, which was basically just an uneven hole in the wall, he noticed a large shape descending towards the ground outside his pallace. It looked remarkably like a heavily-armed spaceship, which it was, and had SS Bitchslap emblazoned across its hull. A few moments later, it landed on the cracked pavement, and a ramp extended from an opening doorway.


A number of men carrying large guns walked out of the ship and up to the pallace's doorway, which one of them kicked in. Since the door had been hanging from one hinge anyway, this was no difficult task. The mayor simply put his head in his hands and sighed. It was the third time this week that he'd been raided by pirates.


"You in charge here?" the armed man at the front of the group asked. The mayor stood up and attempted to look official. It would've worked, too, had it not been for the name "Dick Johnson" being unfortunately written on his nametag.


"Yes, I'm the mayor of this planet."


"Good. I'm captain Urmpa Spinewrencher of the starship Bitchslap. We're pirates, as you may have noticed. Give us money or we'll be forced to... well, I'd threaten to kill you, but judging by your surroundings it'd be a mercy. Give us money or we'll just find the money and take it."


"There's kind of a problem there. We don't really have any money. The whole planet's unemployed, and we keep getting raided by other pirates," the mayor explained.


"Uhhh... any crops we could take?"


"They got stolen last month."


"Mineral resources?"


"Gone three weeks ago."


Captain Spinewrencher threw up his hands in annoyance. "Fine then! Do you at least have any young, nubile virgins we could kidnap?"


"It's a ghetto planet, how many virgins do you THINK we have?"


"Damnit. I suppose that means we'll just have to steal the topsoil."


A few minutes later, the SS Bitchslap flew through the cosmos, its cargo bay full of dirt. The atmosphere on this ship's bridge was more or less happy. To celebrate their dubious victory, the pirates found a wounded Spacescraper vessel limping towards Zung and utterly obliterated it in a massively exciting battle sequence which is not to be described here.


As Captain Spinewrencher sat telling crude jokes to his bridge crew, a small child walked up to him and tugged on his sleeve.


"Captain! Captain!" the child yelled.


"Yes, little Timmy?"


"Captain, how could we destroy such a big evil lawyer ship like that?"


"I'm glad you asked, little Timmy, I'm glad you asked. You, see, since pirates are generally outside the law anyway, the vast majority of the lawyers' evil powers are useless on us."


"Ah. And how are we holding all that dirt in the cargo bay when the ship's full of so many weapons?"


"Dimensional oddness. You wouldn't understand."


At this point, the ship's helm officer piped up. "Sir, we're approaching the Panasonic colony."


"Excellent!" the captain yelled. "Set a course for the nearest bar! Ale and whores for all!" A large cheer went up from the bridge crew.


"Well, except for you, little Timmy," the captain corrected. "You're too young for that sort of thing. It's root beer and strippers for you."


Little Timmy looked down at the floor and pouted.


And thus, evil triumphed over good (sort of), and a new saga in galactic history (sort of) began (kinda)...